You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long.
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And you don't have to worry about your liver, because you're already dead! You'll love Mondays. You a smoker? You're gonna love Tuesdays.
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Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke your friggin' lungs out without worrying about cancer, because you're already dead. You're going to love Tuesdays.
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How about drugs? You like to do any drugs? That's drug day. You're gonna love Wednesdays. I bet you like to gamble. We gamble all day and night — black jack, craps, slots, horse races, you name it!
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You're gonna love Thursdays. I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
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Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed, that if either died, the other one would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. Do you hear me? There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep at about 11 p.
A pair of identical twin brothers lived in a certain town. One lived a godly life, was a good husband and father, a reputable businessman and did lots of community service. The other cheated and lied, was a hell-raiser, a drunkard, unfaithful to his wife and mean to his kids.
They both died at about the same time. The good twin was in Heaven and could look down on his bad twin in Hell.
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The place was not as he imagined. He saw his brother drinking, partying and dancing, having beautiful women, with lots of passionate kissing going on. The good twin went up to St Peter and said:. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he's having the time of his life. He has his own beer keg and just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing.
St Peter put an arm on the man's shoulder and said:. The keg has a hole in it. The woman doesn't. A football player came to the well-known fortune-teller and asked her:. The soothsayer looked through her crystal ball and after a while uttered:. The good news is that they do play football in heaven — they have even a National League. The bad news is, that you are scheduled to play next Sunday. This year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. This is heaven, it is free! This is Heaven!
I could have been here ten years ago!! Three bachelors were waiting at the Pearly Gates to get in. Peter said:. Give, or tell me something significant to fit the season. The first bachelor went through his pockets, pulled out a book of matches, lighted one and said:. The second bachelor pulled out a set of keys and jingled them. The bachelor said:. Bachelor three started going through his pockets, looking for something that would be significant to Christmas Henry Ford died and went to heaven.
At the gates, an angel told Ford:. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven. Ford then asked God:. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing. It is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust. God went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper. The new type of fighter developed by the manufacturer was the latest word in technology. Fly-by-wire instrumentation, high velocity, it had everything except for one small but crucial problem:. As soon as the plane reached a certain speed, its wings started breaking off. All prototypes crashed.